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Friday, November 21, 2014

My Son Eli Part 1

My mother suggested I do a blog entry about my son.  I have been thinking about it and found that it’s going to take a few blog entries to tell my son’s story.

I think every parent thinks their child is special, and they are.  Why do I think my son is so special, that I’m blogging about him?  Why do I feel the need to share his story with you?

A few people online know that I’ve been taking my son to see specialists.  The buck has stopped with a heart specialist, and my story doesn’t have an ending yet.  Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself.

He is 15yrs right now, but in truth looking back at his life, his coming into the world wasn’t easy.

When he was in the womb I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts,   he was the only thing that stopped me from following through with my suicide. 

In the womb one doctor noticed a heart mummer, so I was transferred to an older doctor that didn’t notice a heart mummer.  The doctor did notice in the 9th month that the scans of his growth rate had stopped and seemed to be regressing so my son came into the world by C-section,  weeks before due date a few ounces shy of 6 lbs.



I was struggling with depression so I really didn’t care that his father wouldn’t let anyone hold our son until 2 months after our son was born.

The bond between mother and child was not there for me.  I would look at him, and feel no emotional motherly bond with the baby. 

I pitied the baby, for being born to such a worthless mother.  The world was filled with women that can’t have babies, one of them would make a better mother to him then I will ever.   That was the thoughts in my head every time I looked at him.

New Year’s 2000, I was in a Mental Hospital under suicide watch.
 It’s funny, that it was there that I discovered that I wasn’t such a bad mother.  I wasn’t a druggie mother that wrapped her baby in a blanket so she could go see her dealer to get herself a fix in the middle of winter in a car that the heater didn’t work.  I wasn’t the drunken mother that passed out in the middle of fixing noodles for her kid and caused the house to catch on fire.
I got more out of those two mother’s sharing their stories with me while we were out in the court yard smoking cigarettes then I did the counselors and Dr.


More of my son’s story will come next Friday.

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